Date: 1998 Source: https://twitter.com/zulag/status/1063705299989798914
“Now You’re Cooking With Gas.”
Oppression and addiction lead the way to a better beer and market dominance. Mollock the Glukkon first used these principles over 100 years ago when he teased his first Mudokon to tears. Today, Mollock and his trio of corporate graters carry on that tradition.
At SoulStorm Brewery, profits are job one. We pride ourselves in the “oomph” we put into each tasty bottle of SoulStorm brew. But being cruel, er “oomphy” isn’t always enough. So we scourge the lands for only the finest ingredients and when we find some, we usually knock ’em around a little bit because scourging can be a very tiresome business.
SoulStorm is the first beer to use real Mudokon bones in the brew process. We’ve used only the finest ingredients from only the most flavorful species: Meech’s, Paramite’s, Scrab’s, or whatever was left over from our sister company – the RuptureFarms Meat Packing Plant.
SoulStorm brew was continuing as a premium product for all of us until that little terrorist Abe, a former “Employee of the Month” at RuptureFarms, shut the place down. Not a company to give in to weak Mudokon Union tactics, (although tight pants sometimes makes us whince) the executive team went to an off-site for three days to brainstorm new ideas, and found a gold mine – or in this case, a bone mine.
The Mudokon burial ground has thousands of completely untraceable bones – all aged to perfection to give our beer that full-bodied taste. With this new source of bones, we have created hundreds of Mudokon jobs in both our mines and brewery. We have created an incentive package for our employees that could bring a tear to your eye – and usually does. But we don’t go it on blind faith alone, no sir… we leave that up to our mine workers.
The Secret to Success
We can develop a great product, and implement great product support, but in today’s market you have to guarantee success in order to please shareholders. How do we stay ahead of our competition? Tears. Mudokon tears. Not only do they give our brew more gas, but each savory drop contains an addictive substance that guarantees a repeat customer or even a “repeating one.” Pftthp. Of course, getting those tears isn’t easy and does require a certain amount of juice, but one sip of SoulStorm Brew and we’re sure you’ll agree – it’s Odd to the last drop.
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