Whether you’re a recent rescuee or long-term Alficionado, it’s never too soon to learn about your psychic heritage. Alf is back to inform!
Welcome to Alf’s Rehab & Tea! If you’ve come here then you’re probably a recently liberated slave laborer struggling with an addiction to substances deliberately given to you by your former corporate masters to keep you indoctrinated and efficient. Either that or you’re what we call an ‘Alficionado’.
If you are new to this whole ‘freedom’ dealy, you might be wondering about some things you heard… to do with the magical Mudokon powers of chanting, of possession, and of… um, well, tooting.
Well every whispered claim of it you’ve heard is true, despite what Rumor Kontrol would have you believe. And today ol’ Alfie’s gonna be talking all about your mystical abilities as an introduction to your new lifestyle. So fingers on lips as we take your questions (you may remove the finger while asking the question).
GamingAtSea: #DearAlf So Crig, who do these worthless Mudokens worship? Probably some 7 armed cow that encourages people to fart. Death to the mudokens!
Alf: Uhhh, Crig was here last week. Do you… are you in the right place?
Lee: How do mudokons have the ability to chant? Are all mudokons born with this ability or do they learn it?
Alex: Also can all Mudokons Chant like Abe? Thanks Alf your the bestest.
Alf: Sure, all Mudokons can chant, same way anyone can sing. Doesn’t mean everyone’s equally good at it. I’ve met ancient Muds who trained their whole life just to levitate a pebble using all their concentration. Abe’s what you’d call a natural, the envy of shamans everywhere.
Spoderman: So Alf, I was wondering when Abe chants, what is he really saying, is he speaking in some ancient language or is he just muttering gibberish like he sounds he’s doing?
Alf: You know how Abe learnt to chant? We were doing a shift in a high security Zulag and, not wanted to fall asleep on security cam footage, our Slig supervisor wandered off to get a can of Zap. But with no one around to beat us we got chattin’, complaining about the noise of the heavy machinery. Abe thought it would be rad to do an impression of the meat saws spinning—it was rubbish! But before we could boo him we see all these sparks comin’ offa him! Next thing we know, big red arcs of lightning fly into him and he’s knocked to the ground. What a freak!
Ghandi: Hey dear Alf How abe meditate so long……i try it with humans like Kim jong il or Barack Obama….but my power is useless……please help me alf to become a better peacefully earth.
Alf: Psychic powers come so naturally to Abe he couldn’t tell you how to get better at it. Kinda like how I can’t tell you how I make such great tea—it’s just something that happens! If you’re really interested in commiting acts of mind control is go study under a shaman, practise all day, get plenty of sleep, and drink’s Alf’s amazing tea. But be careful, those guys probably have their own chant suppressors!
#Sam: #DearAlf Has Abe ever possessed you?
Alf: Of course not! Abe respects the autonomy of all his friends too much to ever think about doing that. He’s really the best like thaaarRghHbluuUrghgGt! Scrabdangit, Abe, I told you to cut that out!
oddalisque: This one’s very important….. How did Abe find out that he can possess his fart? And what’s the whole technology behind it-is it the spirits of the mudokons who’s bones are in the brew the ones he can actually possess or what? 🙂
Alf: Same way he figures out a lot of his powers: by looking at what the Glukkons tell him not to do, then doing that. Once you spot that pattern you see it all over the place. As for the science of possessing farts, lemme ask ya this: What’s the science behind possessing anything else, huh?
Jesper: How come Abe is the only mudokon who, as Mr. Uncle V.P. Aslik put it, can have “fun with farts” after drinking Soulstorm Brew? I mean, it seems really unlikely that you and the other chumps sat in that part of the Necrum mines for so long without any of you farting and blowing each other up once, so it seems you didn’t have fun with farts. And as a result, how did Uncle Aslik find out about fun with farts if regular mudokons can’t do it (they just get sick) to write the tourist tips about it in Feeco Depot?
Alf: Oh trust me, it happens. Many valuable company assets are lost to the dangerous gas that drink gives ya. Weighed against the “loyalty” of the workers it pays off in Glukkons’ minds, but we have to be very vigilant when we get new addicts in the Rehab. Who knows what they’ve got bubbling inside ’em! We were lucky. In case ya didn’t notice, we’d just walked across a desert. Our bodies were preserving fluids.
Ted: hey alf, since farting is abe’s gamespeak specialty, and burping is Munch’s, what other bodily functions can we look forward to from the coming saviors of oddworld?
Alf: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, sneezing. Yeah, great big gloopy nasal emissions. Use it to sticky your enemies to the floor, slime your way up sheer cliffs or swing across the ceiling with superstrong snotstrings like everybody’s favorite superhero: Bolamite Mud. Featuring hitherto unexplored sinus controller technology for that unique can’t-quite-get-your-sneeze-to-come-out sensation. But hey, nobody listens to my design ideas anyway, it’ll probably be crying or something.
So with all this in mind, my liberatee chums, finish your teas, sweep up your crumbs and go out into the big wide world safe in the knowledge that maybe you too could one day be seizing control of your friends’ bodies or assuming the brief existence of explosive flatulence.
If you’re returning for future sessions of enlightenment and light refreshments in future weeks, consider coming with your very own questions to put to Alf Almighty. Send them in by using Facebook or Twitter with the ever-fantastic hashtag #DearAlf, or drop them in the comments below.
More Dear Alf next week!