Hey there, Alfnauts! I betcha all thought something ghastly had befallen your pal Alf, dincha! “No Dear Alf for this many months!” you all screeched.…
Hey there, Alfnauts! I betcha all thought something ghastly had befallen your pal Alf, dincha! “No Dear Alf for this many months!” you all screeched. “Something must have gone wrong! Quick, wheel out the replacement Alf!” Well shush right there, because I’m fine, better than fine, and better than better than fine. I mean, there was that week I spent lodged in a log, and that hailstorm that left me stranded in Raisin’s Cave for a few annoyingly cryptic days, and that stray Slog that bit my leg, but it all got better!
And to make up for my long time away, I’ve got something even better than better! You heard it here first, chumps!
WEEKLY DEAR ALF!
Logan: hey alf…what happened to the other 4 mudokons i think it was… that was helping abe at the start of the game when abe fell of the edge?
Alf: Yo, did you not get any further than that? He met up with us later on, we found some cool, clear, refreshing juice in a handy-dandy dizpenzah, things went fuzzy for a few hours, and then Abe came back and saved the day. And then we made sure he couldn’t sabotage the SoulStorm Brewery boiler and handed him over to the Brewmaster. Wait, is that right? That last part might have just been a bad dream.
Darren: If humans came on oddworld, how would they be treated? Would they be captured by Glukkens and be made into slaves and science experiments till someone gets hungry or would glukkens crap themselves for seeing strange creatures for the first time?
Alf: Oddworld is a pretty big place, crawling with life, and Civilized folks ain’t unused to seeing new and freaky races pop up from distant shores or hidden places. If humans can prove worthy trading partners or collaborators, I don’t think you guys would have anything to fear. I think the better question is “What would humans do?” – you gonna join their ranks or stand up for our rights?
Lori: Hey alf- I’m unsure if this has been asked in the past.. but are there any Holidays that Oddworld celebrates? any thing like Scrab appreciation day or something?
Alf: I’ve been pushing to get an Alf Appreciation Day but the guys, they don’t seem to wanna hear me out. I’m sure they’re just too busy to recognize their dear savior Alfie. If it wasn’t for me, they’d still be crawling in the muck lookin’ fer anything fermented. But no, it’s fine. I’ll just go inventorize my stores.
Krobo: When in the name of Odd will you be receiving YOUR own game? You’ve been riding Abe’s coattails for far too long. Take a stand already! We’re all waiting for Alf’s Oddysee: the game chronicling your adventures alongside Abe as you boldly consume tea from the sidelines!
Cameron: will they ever make a game about you alf? p.s.: im praying that you get the raining tea for free
Alf: You know, I’ve always wanted to star in my own game. I would call it “Oddworld: Alf’s Mudombie Horror MMORPG Simulator 3: The Game HD”. Basically it’s a point-and-click race-’em-up. Coming soon to Phantom, Betamax and fairground organs everywhere.
Lee: how good was a mudokon and slig relationship(before sligs were born in captivity)did muds treat’em badly? I read that there were nice sligs, will there be a day that Muds and Sligs will become friends?
Alf: Sligs are petty, vicious, squabbling bullies: you’re asking if we treated them badly? What do you think, we pulled their tentacles and chopped their back legs off or something? Sligs have been poorly-raised broods of nasty work since time began, and that’s not going to change. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll let one in my teahouse if he promises to behave, but I don’t think we’ll be building joint communes quite yet.
Yep, that’s it for now! Short and sweet, just like my brand new tool in the battle for sobriety: the Alf-patented Detoxpresso! So concentrated I can quarter the time it takes to rehab all of you! And that’s why I’m gonna be putting out four or five of these hip new columns EVERY QUIRKIN’ MONTH!