Once again I take to my inbox in search of the niftiest, the elloquentest, the curiousest of questions, and once again I craft literary masterpieces…
Once again I take to my inbox in search of the niftiest, the elloquentest, the curiousest of questions, and once again I craft literary masterpieces in response. So if you’ve ever pondered such profound philosophical conundra as “Do painful things hurt?”, join me as a delve into this fortnight’s barrel of Dear Alf letters.
Janine: Abe is scary beacuse he can chant into bodies. But i like him. Where did he learn to chant?
Zach: I have a question that’s been bugging me ever since I was a kid, how did Abe learn to chant in Rupterfarms when he was born into slavery?
Alf: First of all, Abe is not scary! He’s the least imposing, friendliest Mud you’re likely to bump into! Unless of course you’re a factory owner or corporate security lackey. Then I suppose Abe’s chant becomes something you should fear, yes. Also, thank you to Zach for sending me the same question no fewer than four times over the last two weeks!
Something you may not realize is that most of the Mudokons in RuptureFarms learnt to chant. You can’t not! It’s just that most of us are chanting “Mercy! Mercy!” or “Rest, please! Rest, please!” in response to Slig brutality. Abe’s chant was “No! No! No! No!”. Then one day he was so hungry he ate an old Elum Chub he found in a trash can and went on a serious trip. Next thing we knew, he was clutching in stomach, chanting in agony, and all these sparkles were floating around him. We thought his trip must have become airborne!
Moriah: Hey Alf, what exactly do you Mudokons recite when chanting?
Alf: It’s not anything but a sound. A very important, powerful sound that brings us closer to the spirit world, but just a sound. Not words. If you had to transcribe it, maybe it could go “Nyahnyahnyahnyah” or something? Or is that the noise I make when I answer a fan question in a snide way?
Kyle: I’m Just wondering, Have any of Those Pesky Outlaws ever Tried to give You and your Brethren any Trouble? Besides that Tell Abe I say Wassup:)
Alf: Not me personally, they haven’t, nor any Mud I’ve ever met. The ruthless lands around the Mongo River are quite a long way from here. But sure, Outlaws will stoop to all manner of foul deed, including pestering innocent Grubbs and Mudokons.
Andrew: Hello Alf, I was wondering what its like to hang out with the Grubbs. Can you tell me? They have a good sense of humor. Also, have you ever had any Outlaw patients in your rehab?
Alf: Grubbs are super friendly folks once you have their trust, but they’re massively suspicious of outsiders. Can’t blame them with all the flooding and drought and displacement and poverty and slavery and badgering and prosecution and genocide that’s been heaped upon them by Sekto and Wolvarks and Outlaws and Clakkerz. Personally, I reckon their reliance on the Steef led to their passive and weedy nature, but all props to them, they knew how to hold an uprising when the time was right.
I’ve never had an Outlaw in my rehab. They’d be welcome, albeit under close scrutiny, but they just don’t care about their health that much.
Enchilado: Alf (forgive me if I haven’t been doing my homework), presumably Mudokon eggs very rarely hatch into females, which slowly swell up into giant slug ladies with oozing breasts. Would the Glukkons notice if one of the Mudokons was female? And what would they do if it was? Who are the Glukkon eggs raised by, and what facilities are there to care for any species of young queen that may happen to hatch? Things could get awkward with giant oozing-breast slug ladies cramping the place up.
Alf: They’d certainly notice. Sam is a — shall we say — fecund momma, but ultimately she’s not going to be a reliable source of slave labor for long. For all we know, she could be willfully withholding any female offspring. We don’t exactly get taught Mudokon biology in nursery. Our eggs are shipped to factories where we’re hatched and given a broom or pickaxe and left to slave for our survival. It’s a grim system, and whoever led us down this path deserves very bad things. Quarma. Just sayin’.
James: Hi Alf i was just wondering, if mudokons are slaves in factories and the other free mudokons are living with nature, who buys soul storm brew or meat products from rupture farms because no mudokons have money (they wouldnt get paid if there slaves and if there living with nature they wouldnt need money) so who buys the products??? thank you for your time and thank you for answering my other questions
Alf: First of all, Mudokon slaves can get some form of discretionary pay. We have to eat, after all, and it makes sales figures all the better if we have to pay to do that. Knowing we could have an extra Tasty Treat that week can be a good incentive to strive for a bonus. We haven’t seen the target markets of Glukkon goods yet, but we’re heading there.
Leonardo: This is my question: has Oddworld a single language, or Abe, Munch, Stranger and the other characters speak the Mudos’ language? Beside the one spoke by the fuzzles.
Alf: We speak a common language because that’s the only way we can hold together a multi-species civilization, at least in the small territory of Mudos. Native races have their own ancient tongues that have fallen out of practice, along with large swathes of our cultural heritage.
prof yogert: dear alf,
(not that i dont like him)but abe isnt the smartest creature on oddworld, so why does he get a moon, it would make more sence to give a smarter creature a moon
Alf: A smarter creature like whom? Glukkons have amazing business smarts. Vykkers are incredibly intelligent. But these things don’t matter as much as what a person accomplishes, and Abe has accomplished so very much. I’d call him a Professor of Soul if that didn’t make him sound like a singer.
Scrabtamer: This is one of my all time favorite games, but I want to know. How does it feel for abe to get shot, crushed, exploded, and eaten? Does he remember it all, Does he feel Pain?
Alf: Does Abe feel pain when he’s shot, crushed, exploded and eaten? Well, gee, I dunno. What do you think?
Dave: Two questions : do the Mudokans get like, royalties, or something? Y’know, from the retelling of Abe’s epic tale?
Alf: For every copy of the Oddboxx sold, a new bird portal opens in some horrible Glukkon factory. Don’t delay, purchase now!
And has anyone tried to get the Glukkons to pay reparations for the enslavement of so many?
Alf: I can’t think of a less useful endeavor. If you get a parcel from Magog Express claiming to contain reparation, it’s more likely to contain tear gas or Brew than anything beneficial to your ongoing freedom.
I’ve had several questions about Sligs lately that I’m not quite sure how to answer, so I may save them up and see if I can smuggle them over to Crig the Slig. If you’ve got any Slig-related questions you want to ask him, send them to me now by email (alf at oddworld.com) or on Facebook in the next couple of weeks and I’ll make sure to bundle them together. Of course, you can send me any questions at all in that time, too!
Until next time,