Dear Alf #33

You ask for it, Alf sort of sends this thing that vaguely resembles a reply and almost never directly relates to an answer … But that’s why we love him. Take a gamble and send your questions to the old Alfster… you might get a reply! Just remember that the odds are always with the house, or in this case, the rehab!

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions.

Q: Hello again alf! Raven here asking if you could clear up a few questions: Why haven’t we heard/seen/smelt/watever anything about Abe’s mother even though the weirdoes (dead mudokens with bones missing) promised we would know about her when we met munch? They say it when you finish AE with 300 muds saved.

Alf:  I’m sure the Weirdos believed that was true, but she’s nowhere to be found and it’s pretty frustrating for everyone involved. Makes the Weirdos look like a bunch of nut cases, or at least more so than usual. Diversion tactics of a barely lucid and irresponsible mother, in my humble opinion. Poor Abe. As if he hasn’t been through enough already.

Q: Dear Alf I wish to discuss these questions, By the way I’m Stephen! Will there be another game before the Steef guy pops up?(such as Munch’s Exoddus.)

Alf:  Stephen, There shall be nothing but many strong cups of tea and arduous, strenuous, flatulous work before this game “pops up!”

Q: Will Abe and Munch be in the Steef guy’s game?(You can’t have a Oddworld game without Abe and Munch! It would be like Gerbils without hellium!)

Alf: Sounds to me like one more reason to send them on vacation. I care little for gerbils and less for those who abuse the elements!

Q:  What are those new chicken characters called?

Alf:  I know a couple of them characters. Bawhnee Sue McUgly. Unkle TurkeyToes. Kind of an annoying group if you ask me. Whiny. Loud. Always scratchin’ and flappin’ and carryin’ on. And not too bright either. Old Bawhnee Sue sure does make a mean cornbread, though!

Q:   Why do Sligs need masks? Bye!

Alf:  To get to the other side! HA! Ooooh, wrong joke. Pass the tea please, no no, the one that smells funny.

Q: dear alf why did the modokans let the glukkons walk all over them ?.why should they be slaves?. 

Alf:   The mudokons are a peaceful species with simple desires such as brew drinkin’ and the toob watchin’. Unfortunately, addiction and ignorance made them much more susceptible to being taken advantage of. Hence that whole degradation of the species/slavery thing. Besides, what would you do if a tentacle-mouthed freak with mechanical pants and a big gun told you to work? YOU’D WORK, that’s what!

Q:   Dear Alf, Couple of questions, Who do you hate most of the glukkons, Dripik, Aslik, Phleg and Lulu? I’d say Lulu. He’s a doof.

Alf:   Lulu is a doof, I agree, but it doesn’t make me hate him. I rather pity him, and his poor sense of fashion. He’s just an empty pawn in the bigger scheme of things. If we’re gonna talk pure loathing, Dripik ranks pretty high on my list. Most chumps I can just laugh at, but Dripik is downright bad. It ain’t even funny.

Q:   Who do you like more, Tomahawkers or Murdarchers or Scrubs?

Alf:   Scrubs—they are so down to Oddworld! Hey, this is fun! Let’s do another!

Q:   Who do you like more? Bigface (abes oddysee), Weirdos (abes exoddus) or Shaman (Munches oddysee) and why?

Alf:  The Weirdos hold a special place this old muds heart. They have spared life and limb they still find time to drop in and help their buddy Abe. And I love their shiny glowing colors. Reminds me of the time I got lost in that field and had to eat strange bulbs to survive…

Q:  Who is Crig the slig? 

Alf:   Crig is a legend. He spends his days hangin’ with Sasquatch and swimming with Nessy, and hiding from La Chupra Cabra.

Q:  Which slig do you like best? Mollucks assistant Toast, Lulus assistant Valet or the newscaster and why?

Alf:   Newscaster. He’s got style, joie de vive. Is that the last one? I wanna go home now! Mommy!

Q:  HI man! It is so good to email U! ok I’ve a few questions to ask you. In Mo how can you tell which scrab is the alpha scrab?

Alf:   He’s the one with the big red letter “A” on his chest. Oh wait, maybe that means something else..

Q:  is elum in Mo? I haven’t got that far butt…or is he i the new one?

Alf:   You might see some of the Elum scattered about, in a manner of speaking, but Abe’s Elum has retired. And please don’t use that type of language around here anymore, I mean really.

Q:  is there any cheats ?

Alf:   Yeah, but what do Poker swindling Inhabitants have to do with the game? Eh?

Q:  Dear Alf, (I am russian, sorry about my bad english) I have rescued all the mudokons in first Abe’s game (99) and in second Abe’s game (300). I have a question: why Abe have a sew up mouth, but all the others mudokons have not sew up mouth?

Alf:   When Mudokons were just little hatchlings, they had their mouths sewn up to hush them. It isn’t done anymore, since they are now free, but Abe keeps his as a symbolic reminder of his past.

Q:  Dear Alf, Who or What is Steef??? I see people send in email saying good luck with steef… But I am completely in the dark when it comes to this “Steef”. Please help me… Phot

Alf:   Well Phot, I don’t know much about him myself. He’s very strange. I hear he smells like a dickens and has bizarre grooming habits.. but who am I to judge?

Q:  Hi there Alf, could you tell me whether Mudokon ponytails are made of feathers or hair? I thought it was definite they were feathers, but as I’ve discovered, there’s no official word on the matter and the fans seem to be split evenly between the two ideas. Cheerio, And may all the Inhabitants have a very merry Crimbo (if I haven’t actually mistimed this and sent it in the middle of your break…) Max

Alf:   Thanks Max. Right back at ya. Mudokon ponytails, you say? Why, they are made of sugar, spice, and a bit-o-lice! At least that’s what mummy always told us! *scratch scratch*

Q:   hi alf ElSsAceCon all 4 of us r as odd as ever so we wondered everyone thinks aliens are cats what do you thinnk about that? could an oddworld creature be a cat on earth? we think so we also (regarding someone elses question) believe that there is a portal on earth thanx alf oddly ElSsAceCon xXxXx

Alf:   Sorry to disappoint but I would never want to venture off of this glorious planet we call Oddworld. Not even as a cat. Tempting as that may seem to some…

Q:   hey Alf! How is Soulstorm Brew? Me and my lazy Mud friends have never gotten wasted so we wanna know. And hey, you should go and eat some lone glukkon’s head. He’s got no arms! He can’t defend himself! Anywho, now for a real question, you seem to hate Abe since you’re bitin off his fingers and pushin him into holes, why do ya follow him when he calls? Odd bless you -the Maxokon

Alf:   Firstly, I never bit Abe, so get it straight, bud! And regarding that whole well incident, I was never convicted of anything—I happened to be going in for a pat on the back the moment he jumped. So wha? And finally, the call of Abe is, unfortunately a biological phenomena that no Mudokon can ignore. You might say it’s programmed in.

Q:   I ran into a Alpha Scrab the other day and it seems I misplaced my arm. is there any place i can go to besides Vykkers labs? I don’t want a chunk of aluminum in my head, unless it’s a TV remote. ~ I misplaced my name too.

Alf:   Wow. I hope you have good insurance. It’s really hard to find limb donors these days. Maybe you should just get a new name and call it even. How about Unimud?

Q:   Yo Alf! what’s up. Thanks for the poetic card I really appreciate it. I got a few question for you

1. How come Sligs and Glukkons dont get scared in Munches when Abe chants

2. Does Abe need spooce to possess enemies because he doesn’t need to in the first 2 games and finally

3. Does Abe have health points, you know like those flies on top of his head or does he just die in one shot.

Stay odd Alf. That is all for now.

Alf:   Hey there fellow chump, you’re very welcome! Abe isn’t really all that scary. Ever. Even when he’s chanting. The chanting used to come easy to him, back in the day, but now a little spooce sure helps. You know what they say, “Spooce does a body good!” And even though he is pretty fly for a bluish-green guy, I don’t think I’ve ever seen flies on top of his head.

Q:   Wait I got 1 more questions if you don’t mind. You know how muds have they’re limit with jumping, I understand but the jumps that Abe can’t survive in the first 2 games weren’t that high of a fall and in Munches oddysee the jumps or falls were a higher distance, so how come Abe can’t survive those falls in the first 2 games(no offense to Abe or any mud I just wanna know). Stay odd Alf, that’s all for now.

Alf:   The spooce gives Abe increased elasticity and, uh, sproingability. I can’t believe you didn’t already know that!

Q:   CHICKENS, I DON’T GET IT! (no, not one of those letters again…..heheh) Anyway, I was wondering if you are familiar with the modes of Hindu music known as ragas. Mudokon chanting reminds me very much of them. So what of the chants the mudokons use? Are they something we have been taking for granted all along? Could these be a link, or the big hint that we have been missing all along? *raises demitasse* Cheers! -Radagast the Brown

Alf:   Actually the chanting was inspired by the Shaolin Monks. And yes, you have been taking them for granted all along. It is so pathetic that I am just going to tell you what to do, right here, right now, since it has taken over seven years for you, the chosen ones, to figure it out: To unlock the BIG HINT, compile all the chants, play backwards and eliminate every third note. Add the third notes to the end of each couplet. While listening, plug your left nostril and hop on the right foot until the room begins to spin. When you see stars, don’t stop! Continue on the path to enlightenment by holding the earlobe of your neighbor and chanting along with Abe. Rinse and repeat until desired effect is achieved. Just kidding. There’s no big hint. No gooey candy filling. It’s all there out in the open, so if you get it you get it, if you don’t, well then ignorance is bliss.