Dear Alf #17

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions.

Q:  Dear Alf, I was wondering if you had a spare Abe’s Oddysee game lying around that you could send me for around $10. Please get back to me. From T

Alf:  Oh well, sure! Let me just wrap that right up for you, and then stick a big sign in my head that says “Convenience Store”! Then I can open up a Snow-cone machine in my ear, a gas station in my shorts, and I’ll become a flip-flappin’ Convenience Store! Please, allow me to be your personal hookup for whatever you can possibly sponge off of me – I live for it! Forget that I’m just a guy that ANSWERS QUESTIONS! Sheesh.

Q: hi, I’m a very big fan with a pc and have heard rumors that Munch will only be on Xbox… is this true? I have the other two games and was looking forward to seeing abe in 3d but if the rumors are true that will never happen, PLEASE reply as soon as you can, I have already asked this question to a different oddworld e-mail address but they have not replied (maybe they are really busy) Huge fan, Andrea

Alf:  Well, the Oddworld folk are busy folk, and for now, the Xbox suits our world just right. Would you want us to be carried on a system that doesn’t do us justice? Doesn’t show the true brilliance of the Oddworld world? Show how the Sligs can chase you and beat your behind as well as they do? Me thinks not!

Q:  Why don’t you have any facts on Shrykulls? I saw something about a Sea Rex and a Rat and I was wondering why they disappeared and what they were.

Alf:  Shrykulls are mysterious beings, that have hardly been caught and studied-they are weird mystical creatures that scare the heck outta me. When one comes in and offers its mitts to us and want to have tea and tell us all about it, well, I’m all ears. But have you seen those things? Yipes.

Sea Rexes and rats are ugly little creatures that make my skin crawl. Sea Rexes swallow me, my shop, and all my precious text in one gulp, so that’s why I’m glad to stay on the shore and be happily ignorant of them.

Ask me about meeps—they are pretty approachable.

Q:   Wuzz up Alf. Name’s Cat, Digital game master. But this time I’ve got a couple of Q’s for youz.

Did Abe marry Sam the Mudokon queen ? If so was he insanely in love? or was he just plain confused from his little fantasies ? Oh yeah one more, Did you always looked that fine in your pictures ?

Alf:   I am the Mack who packs a smack, dishing’ out the phat flavah for here and the future.

Now that we’re done with the 70’s B-movie talk, let’s get down to business.

I don’t think Abe married Sam, since she’s just downright nasty. Abe isn’t insanely in love, but he is a little dopey. He’s also a bit of an individualist, ready for whatever and whenever. Hardly a guy who’s going to slow down.

Did I always look that fine? Lady, I’m nice-fine like rice wine.

Q:   I have a few questions that I think need to be asked. or not. but still, I wanna ask them. Well here I go. First question, when will you have your own game? Ya know, something like “Alf’s Rehab Oddysee” or “Alf’s Tea Exoddus”, you could like smash sligs with…uh…well…Tea….yeah! Acidic Tea Bombs and stuff.

Alf:   Hey! Yea! Now you’re talking! I can see the hero (me) of the world, with a quest for someone to save the people (me), in a world full of rewards (for me!). Lessee … if I see a billion bejillion copies…. and keep the royalties… carry the seven… WOW!

Kid, I like your style.

Second Question: how old are ya? like 20 something? 

Alf:   More something than 20. Let’s move on.

Third Question: I think there is a Glukkon running our educational facilities. He makes us work like Mudokon slaves writting down pointless stuff. He yells at us and smells like bad cigars and call himself principal. Help! What should I do? 

Alf:   Graduate.

Last Question: My friend has a drinking problem, he drinks too much Storm Brew. Last night he called my house in one of his drunk moods and told me that a Slog was eating his mom. What can I do?   Your Friend, Rick 

Alf:   Get your friend on tea, toot-sweet! That Brew will drill a hole in your head and leave your face-flap blowing in the wind! We have a delightful selection of good teas, including “banana-fana”, “Yibba-Yo” and “Gnort”. Special today! Buy one, pay for it!

Q:  Hey ya all U Muds! No offense Alf Ur cool and all, but Abe is my favorite character and I’d like him to answer, it’s one only he could answer anyway…What was Ur first thought and feelings when U first was told U had to save Ur fellow Mudokons from Rupture Farms after U just escaped from it and also when U successed and got praise for a hero? Well that’s all for now. See ya Abe

Alf:  Ur? What is this “Ur”? Am I some kind of ancient demigod with two letters to his name? No, I have THREE letters in my name: “Alf.” I would love to speak to this “Ur” fellow and ask him your questions, but I don’t know him!

I don’t speak in rebus—try the King’s English, m’boy.

Q:   Hey Alfie, Got a big favor to ask. I love oddworld, and I love video gaming. I think I might want a job in the field some day, but I don’t know how the system works. I’d like some pointers as to where I should go to college if I aspire to be say… a conceptual artist. cuz, I got no clue and I can’t get answers from NOBODY in big business. You’re my last hope alfie man.   Always a fan, Erin

Alf:  Go check on a place that you would like to work, and find out what their requirements are. If they are a good place, they’ll give you the answers you seek. Also, be persistent, but be ready to do the work. Most people just fall in love with the idea, then shy away when they find out it’s hard work, so good luck!

Q:   Hi Alf! I’m wondering for already a while what Abe is doing in the picture you posted last month. Looks like he’s rapping. What’s it all about, Alfie?
Odd-Kissies from A Dutch girl.

Alf:  M.C. Abe is just striking a buffalo-stance pose, looking coy and cool in his new washed loincloth! M.C. now means Mudokon Chillin’!

Q:   To the no-dud Mud who’s easy to love! Dear Alfie, Could you please tell us more about your own admirable self? I would particularly like to know about…

  • any childhood hardships
  • on-going saintliness (like your rehab work)
  • hobbies (like fly-fishing, dancing, playing in your band)

I trust in you, my beautiful and beloved Alf, to follow through as always with your delicate, heart-filled responses… full of truth, humor, and personality.

Thank you. From your adoring fan, Tybie

[There’s a lipstick smooch at the bottom.]

Alf:  Tybie, your fannish-ness makes me go all wiggly. We couldn’t do it without all you fans! Getting in and out of the bathtub was particularly hard for me, as I was very small. I also didn’t like to eat my veggies, but that was a long time ago.
on-going saintliness (like your rehab work)

What can I say? I love people and to serve them nice hot tea. Don’t knock it until you try it! It’s a lovely relaxing way to enjoy the day and the evening, as the sun sets slowly in the West… uh, East… whatever…

I like to drink tea, to walk about the place, and by gosh, I actually like to answer these questions!

Q:  Yo Alf, Ur cool and all, but my favortie Character is Abe and I’d like him to answer this one himself….It’s one only he could answer anyway…..What it’s like when you possess someone? It must have been weird the first time you did it. Plus judging by how you fell after possessing Lulu and lost control sometimes it must be alot work. Also I wanna say Ur the coolest character on Oddworld by far Abe….Well thanks for your time and good luck on getting a break…..See ya

Alf:  Abe once told me that possession took a lot of concentration, and sometimes that can be broken, when someone else is in the room, distracting them. Or yelling at them, or whatever. That poor guy had a roomful of squawking people, he had the pressure of saving the world, and he had Munch yelling at him! I suppose possessing someone would feel weird no matter HOW many times you’d done it.

I tell ya, that guy’s got more heart than a King Scrab.

Q:   O Alf, great fountain of wisdom and awe, I beg to you, answer this question:   Is your formula, Ugly+$$$=Chicks, a branch-off of Professor Alf Alpha’s theory: Cute and/or Sexy+$$$=Lots of chicks?

Alf:  Cute? Sexy? What’s that? I’m a businessman. I like the peoples as a whole. My formula for success is this:

Tea+Me= Happy Alf zzzz,

Tea+Me+Others= Cash flow. Happy Alf again!

Q:   With the ever expanding Oddworld Universe that is visitable in the games, are there any plans afoot to use a system (similar to that in Seaman from Sega) wherebye speech recognition could be use to communicate with the inhabitants of Oddworld. Maybe with the option to set you own prefernces so instead of just saying “hello” to get someone’s attention you could instead say “hi” “oi” or “hey” etc… Still looking forward to X-box’s UK release, Dan J.

Alf:  You can shake me up until a little blue triangle floats to the top of my eyes that says “Unclear, ask again”, but the truth is I can’t see the future. But take this to the bank: The future keeps coming, and it does seem an interesting way to go…

Q:   Hello Alf. I’ve asked this before but you didn’t answer it so I’ll try again… What has Crig the slig been doing the last few months? I know that you are knowledgable enough not to need his help to answer our questions but it was interesting to hear (and when I say hear I mean read) a slig’s points of view. I hope Crig hasn’t died or anything, ever since you introduced him I have wanted to learn more about him, his job and his adventures (if he has any). Please tell me more about him.

Alf:  Crig took a permanent vacation after barely escaping an explosion at FeeCo. I think he’s off somewhere tending a herd of Slogs in the mountains, or he’s punching tickets at a bumper-card ride somewhere. I do believe we’ve heard the last form that boy.

Q:   As I played the game called Munch’s Oddysee I could turn Natives into Tomahawkers and then into Mudarchers, but why couldn’t Abe turn into one of them?)

Alf:  Abe is a truly unique character, he doesn’t need to change into anyone to get out of a situation. Look how far he’s come with just his wits! Stay with Abe, he’s a survivor!

Q:   Hello, Alf. my name is Tony, I’m from Brazil and I’m a fanatic for the Abe games. I did play everyday, Abe’s Exoddus and I would like to know you will sell the next game “Munch’s Oddysee” here in Brazil! Congratulations for the game.

Alf:  Thanks so much for the letter, Tony—we wouldn’t be anything without you fans! You truly make each day worth getting up… and serving tea!

Q:   What’s it all about, Alfie?

Is it just for the moment we live?

What’s it all about,

When you sort it out, Alfie?

Are we meant to take more than we give?

………….(ok I forget the rest)…………

Dear Alf: What’s it all about? What’s it all about, Alfie?

Alf:  I would just blame it on Rio.

‘Till next time, this is the number one Mud that ain’t no dud — so when you have a question and need the direct line to information central, don’t forget to ask:

What’s it all about, Alfie?