Dear Alf #14

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions.

Q:  I’d like to know why you Mudokons are always the victim of the Glukkons. Are you weaker or something??? (I don’t think so, so don’t be offended).

Alf:  Well, lets look at it this way. Suppose you’re thrown into an arena, barefisted, with a toy poodle, and only one of you can leave. Sounds like you’re at the advantage, right? Now suppose you’re thrown into an arena, barefisted, with a toy poodle, but this poodle happens to be well funded and has a retinue of 200 pound guards with shotguns in front of him. Your odds suddenly take a dip.

Q:   I know that Mudokons are good, Glukkons are bad, Sligs work for the Glukkons…which make them kind of bad and Vykkers are mad scientists. What kind of nature are Interns? 

Alf:  They’re on par with the Sligs… lazy creeps that are in it just because it’s an easy job and they get to carry guns. Rather than nap all the time, they just leave their headphones on and never listen to their co-workers.

Q:  Will there EVER be Oddworld toys that I can buy and play with? 

Alf:  You never know. Eh. Well, wait, I should rephrase that. I never know.

Q:   What is that green gas in the background of the SligBarracks? 

Alf:  And you thought Abe had bad gas.

Q:  During a recent binge on Brew–which I will never, as Odd as my witness ever repeat again, I swear–I had an idea. An epiphany, if you will. All those other guys get all the glory cause they’re “heroes” and “godlings” and “chosen ones,” etc. (And rest assured, there is a point here, my good friend.)

Now, granted that none of them started out that way. Our good ol’ buddy Abe was a janitor for chanting out loud… But the way I see it, you’re a bit of an unsung hero, Alf.

And also, did Abe ever thank all those nice Mudokons who rescued him from RuptureFarms, hmm? (Yes, yes, he saved them from the factory, but does that REALLY make it all right?)

My point is this, Alf, dear Mudokon, ally to the addicted, buddy to the beaten, dear friend to the down-trodden, when will it be your time to shine? We all appreciate all you’ve done for the Mudokons and creatures of Oddworld, but when will you finally get the recognition you deserve–nay–have a right to? Although I know you’d never ask for something like that…you’re just too modest. Well here’s to you, buddy, drinks’re on me.

To Alf–urp, hold on…brew’s coming back up.

Alf:  …(sniffle) …I’m all choked up… All I ever wanted was to be recognized, to hear somebody tell me ‘I done good’ … to get out from the shadow of Abe… To think I turned to Brew to try and cure my depression, when all I really needed to do was roll up my sleeves and get out there with the rest of them and do the job, get my buddies off the sauce, make a difference. Well buddy, you’ve renewed my dedication. I’m getting back on that stage and helping my fellow muds again… just as soon as my Soaps are done.

Q:   Could you give me some information on Director Phleg that no-one else knows yet?

Alf:  He used to be a punk Glukkon. You know that thing Gene Simmons does with his tongue? Phleg coulda put him to shame.

Q:   I’ve heard that the Sligs are gonna get new weapons and stuff, so can you please tell me what their names are, how they look like and what they can do to others? Yeah, and will the BigBro Sligs talk like the normal Sligs. I have hundreds of questions since it’s kinda hard to get magazines about Abe and his friends down in New Zealand here.

Alf:   The philosophy behind the Magog Cartel’s weapons development division seems to be this: If it’s good enough to be eaten, drank, smoked, licked, or injected, it’s good enough to be shot. Why waste valuable research on developing ammunition when you can just stuff a can of SoulStorm Brew into a BlitzPacker? And yeah, the BigBros can talk, but of course they talk differently from the little sligs. Takes a lot of testosterone and steroids to get them that big, after all.

Q:   Why Did you call those Punk Rock looking Mudokons Tomahawkers? What class are they? Are we going to know more info on them? They look like My punk rock group. That would be so nice if Mudokons had their own rock band:) :). 

Alf:  They carry big Tomahawks, and they aren’t the most imaginative bunch when it comes to naming. Hence: Tomahawkers. And they tried to make a band once, but they just got into a big fistfight over who got to play drums.

Q:   Where does all the main game programming for Oddworld games take place.

Alf:  At Oddworld Inhabitants, of course. The real question is where all the de-programming happens… we still have a problem with the coders getting kidnapped back by their families every so often. Then we just gotta go out and brainwash another.

Q:   I am playing Oddworld: Abe’s Exoddus, I’m at the very end just about to jump through the bird portal that finishes the game but I’ve missed 2 Mudokons I’ve only saved 298 not 300. I know I’ve missed them In this last zone from the bit where I go to when “I reset path” to the end, could you please, please, please tell me where they are or you will have 2 less customers in your “Rehab and Tea”.

PS: Where did you get that cool accent from I want one, I want one, I want one, I want one, I want one, I want one.

Alf:  Gee, that’s incentive. Two fewer lushes hanging around and being belligerent? Golly, I wouldn’t want that. Well, I tell ya what. I can’t be sure which 2 you didn’t save unless I know which ones you did save… so tell me exactly where the other 298 were when you rescued them, and I’ll get back to ya.

As for the accent, eh, when I was in the brewery I was trying to suck the last couple drops outta a bottle and got my tongue stuck in it for about 4 days. I’ve talked kinda funny ever since.

Q:   I couldn’t help noticing that in a recent batch of screenshots, we see a SoBe beverage dispenser, complete with stylized text and SoBe logo! Don’t tell me that anti-corporate Oddworld has stooped to product placement!

Alf:  Oddworld ain’t anti-corporate, first of all. Oddworld’s a business, and just like any other, to make our product, we rely on people buying them and then we use that money to pay the scrubs in the pens to crank out code and art and design. Oddworld’s opposed to certain corporate practices, though… Environmental destruction, apathy towards better health, animal experimentation, the likes. As it turns out, the folks at SoBe are also a business that relies upon consumer dollars to provide them with a product they want, and they also have similar beliefs to our own.

Q:   I’m a Slig with some serious mental problems. I feel that the slavery of Mudokons is wrong and should be paid at least! I have spoken to my fellow Slig buddies but they think I’m mad or possessed!!! What shall I do and what do you think about the Mudokon slave trade?

Alf:  …What are those little lights floating around your head? Abe, is that you in there? Doggonit, stop trying to mess with me when I’m answering fan mail…

Q:   I just wanted to know how Abe got that stupid sneaking motion! Is it a habit or something? Was whoever thought of it having a hangover when he/her thought of it?

Alf:  Abe came up with that exaggerated sneaking motion during a game of charades a couple years ago, and has just been kinda fond of it ever since.

Q:   I may be in the neighborhood sometime soon, is it possible for fans to come and visit the Oddworld Inhabitants?

Alf:  We’re not exactly a hot spot of tourism… unless you have some remarkably potent Scrab and Paramite repellant, are prepared to gnaw your leg off on the off chance you happen to step into a Gabbit trap, and all just to get a loincloth that says “I was very nearly rent to shreds by a flock of hungry red bug-looking things and all I got was this lousy loincloth.”

Q:   I was wondering, why is Abe’s eyes a bright orangey-red while everybody else’s eyes are a pearly white? Has he got some version of pink eye? (and if he does, why doesn’t he use eyedrops?). Also, why, in your picture, do you look so dazed and glassy-eyed? Have you been smoking something?

Alf:  Why is his skin blue and the rest of ours green? Why are his lips stitched shut? There are some things we just weren’t meant to know… yet. And if you’re asking why I look dazed and glassy-eyed, you haven’t done your homework.

Q:   I am particularly excited about the new Oddworld game, but I have one worry. I know that Oddworld is now advertising for a soft drink company, there won’t be any references to this in the game will there? No blatant advertisement? I have seen games like this, sometimes they pull it off, sometimes it comes off as blatant advertisement. Which one will you be?

Alf:  You are likely referring to the product tie-in that Oddworld has with SOBE BEVERAGES, makers of fine, refreshing drinks. Rest assured that Oddworld would never subject itself to unneeded advertising, even for a splendid company which makes such quality products as SOBE BEVERAGES. Don’t worry about it…instead, go and have yourself a drink to ease your stress…why not a delicious Elixir or Lizard Lightning made by SOBE BEVERAGES?

Q:   I was wondering, don’t you and your mates get cold at all , I mean since all you have to wear is identical clothes? Isn’t there a fashion industry or something?

Alf:  We Mudokons tend to hang about in arid regions, and our loincloths, in addition to being sexy as all get-out, make for comfortable living in such a climate.

Q:   Are Sligs really evil or are they just following orders?

Alf:  Is Eddie Haskell evil? Sligs just gotta survive. They are easily influence by their surroundings. Evil breeds evil.

Q:   How come Sligs can’t jump even when you chant one?

Alf:   Given the shoddy manufacturing, it’s amazing Sligs can even stay upright in their mechanical pants, let alone attempt to get athletic in them.

Q:   There’s been something bothering me for a while now. Technically, a Slig is about half critter, half machine right? What would be the scenario if Abe possessed the Slig, and Munch Possessed the pants?

Alf:   Put yourself in Munch’s shoes. Would you want to plug your mind into a Slig’s pants?

Q:   How do Sligs turn into BigBro Sligs? Do they have this muscle builder fluid or what?

Alf:   For a while they tried pumping iron and eating lots of high-protien foods and buying those Nordic-Track things that are advertised at 3AM on cable. Then, inevitably, a Vykker came along with an invasive, destructive steroid that got the same results at a fraction of the cost. And the rest is history, albeit history that seems to be repeated quite frequently.

Q:   My friend said that in Oddworld you can walk around doing nothing and slapping people continuously, is that true?????

Alf:   Heck, you can do that in your world if I’m not mistaken … just don’t make any plans for the afternoon that you can’t accomplish in a body cast.

Q:   Yo Alf, why don’t Interns have mouths, I mean what if something goes wrong and they need to talk. It’s weird!!!

Alf:   They do have mouths. Or did, anyway. Let’s just say that stitching technology has come a long way since they slapped those loose bindings on Abe’s lips.

Q:   Hey, would you happen to know why Scrabs have calf muscles? I mean, their feet are just fixed spikes, so it seems like any contraction of the calf would fail to serve any purpose… Actuator muscles, maybe?

Alf:  You’re talkin’ to the wrong guy on this one. As far as I’m concerned about Scrabs, they see you, they start moving. Whether they do this via superfluous calf muscles or rocket engines, it’s all the same to me, ’cause I am outta there.

Q:   It’s me again, and I was wondering if I could ask Crig the Slig a few questions.

Firstly, will the sligs guarding Vykkers Labs have really high-tech stuff like cyber-slogs, flying greeters and super zappy things with an added flame-thrower and inter-continental ballistic missile attachment?

Crig:   I wish. Those cheapskate Glukkons would never spring for such things, no matter how obvious it becomes that we really need them. In fact, sligs have to buy their own guns, ammo, and pants, at inflated gluk prices. Odd! I hate those pus-headed loudmouths! What you will find is that some of the richer sligs and others were able to buy some armor, and we did get chant suppressors installed in a few areas. Naturally, the glukkons reserved the best suppressors for themselves.

Q:   Secondly, how can you reply to these E-mails if you are part of a race with no idea of electronic devices?

Crig:   What’s E-mail? I get these notes on paramiteskin parchments, and that’s how I answer them. No true slig would write any letter that didn’t involve killing something.

Q:   And finally, will Crig the Slig be in the Quintology?

Crig:   I have hopes, but there is a strong pro-mudokon bias working against me. I try to explain to them the true nobility of sligly viciousness, but they just don’t understand.