Dear Alf #11

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions!

Q:  I was wondering why fleeches and slurgs work together. It’s like they are twins!

Alf:  I dunno if I’d call that ‘working together’, buddy. Think about it… if every time somebody stepped on you and smashed you into a pile of goo, a pizza was delivered to your next door neighbor… would you say that the two of you are working together? If so, you might wanna renegotiate your end of the bargain.

Q:   Is it possible to make food that looks just like Scrab Cakes and Paramite Pies?

Alf:  Hey, throw enough food-coloring, lipstick, or concentrated laundry bleach into a recipe, and you could get it to look like just about anything! But sadly, the taste, well, there’s nothing like the real thing. Ah- not that I’d eat Scrab Cakes or Paramite Pies, being made from them endangered critters and all. I could do that. But that would be wrong.

Q:  I heard that a Meeches’ favorite prey is an Elum. Is this true?

Alf:  Chicks dig Elum. Not Meeches. ‘Sides, I can’t imagine how they could’ve preyed upon something as stupid as Elums and still managed to get their dumb selves extinctified.

Q:   What happened to Elum? Did he go to another planet or what?

Alf:  You ever seen that episode of Winnie The Pooh where the bear got his head lodged inside a beehive filled with honey?

Q:   Everyone knows that Scrabs can’t stand each other, so what’s with the “Large Scrab Herd” video?

Alf:  Uh. They’re Union Scrabs? I dunno, YOU go ask’em… maybe if yer real polite they won’t accidentally knock you over and tear you to shreds first. Me, I’ll be happy to just smile and nod at whatever they show on the Oddworld Nature Channel.

Q:   Hey Alf, well me and my brothers have completed the games on Playstation it ripped. Well I’m 13 and my brothers are 16 and 19 and I want to know how much will the Xbox cost and I wanna tell U I love Scrabs they are cool I even did a project on Oddworld so U can tell I”m pretty obsessed. This is what I really wanna know will it be 3D like can you only walk straight or on a diagonal and can you please answer me Alf and what will you not be able to take over in Munch’s Oddysee.

Alf:  Well thank ya much- er, 16 and 19 you sa- um, I think it cost- Hey, look, slow dow- scrabs? I just said I’m not gonna- Project? What ki- AGH, darn right you’re obs- Eh, what’s 3D- Gah, I walk anywhere I wan- MOLLOCK ON A MOPED, SLOW DOWN KID!!! Good Odd Almighty, there are states where it’s a felony to have a run-on sentence that long!! I was just waitin’ for you to throw in “And one time? At band camp?” somewhere.

Okay. Now. Lemme see… Thanks; 35,299 Moolah here (dunno the Moolah-to-dollar conversion, sorry kid); yer obsessed alright; what’s this 3D techno-jibba-jabba?; and… can I walk straight?!! Listen kid, I got put in rehab so I wouldn’t have to answer questions like that again!! I just had a couple after work to take the edge off, I promis- … whoa. Okay, maybe time for the next question…

Q:   If most of the prominent Oddworldian species breed like hive insects (that is, with a single Queen producing hordes of sterile workers) and the Mudokon Queen, Sam, is in a Glukkon facility, then how are the free-born Mudokon born in the first place?

Alf:   Hmm… is that where I came from? My foster slig always told me he found me underneath a dew-covered Spooce Shrub on a sunny spring day. I always thought it sounded kinda romanticized…

Q:   In Munch’s Oddysee, is Abe going to have another “special ability” from a tattoo or something similar like the Shrykull and Mudokon healing tattoos?

Alf:  The last two times Abe called everybody out saying he’d acquired a new power, they turned out to be card tricks. I don’t even bother to check anymore.

Q:   Can you maybe send me a complete list of the Mudokon language? 

Alf:  Write me up an English dictionary in your free time and I’ll swap ya.

Q:   Is BlitzPacker Brew the same as SoulStorm Brew, or is it a competing brand, or what? If it’s difference, what is it made of (as compared to SoulStorm being bones and tears)

Alf:  I think BlitzPacker Brew comes in a special, heavier can, so it’ll leave bigger dents in things it’s shot at, ya know, like walls, our skulls, etc.

Q:   Abe blew up SoulStorm Brewery, right? Why is it that those cannon-toting vending machines fire SoulStorm Brew then? Is there more than one brewery? 

Alf:  You think if we blew up one brewery on your planet that beer would cease to exist? Here on Oddworld, there’s a simple rule… if it turns a profit, you can bet yer ponytail there’ll be more’n one of ’em…

Q:   Will there ever be an evolutionary chain picture of how Oddworld’s creatures came to be?

Alf:  Yeah, I seen you people’s idea of evolution. Everytime I try and picture a hunchbacked, overmuscled Mudokon with extra hair toting an enormous club over his shoulder, I gotta start laughin- huh? Whozere? Oh, ah, heh heh, hiya Tom. No, no no no, I wasn’t talkin’ about you or any of the other Tomahawkers… yeah, go on back outside.

Right, so, um… what were we talking about?

Q:   Hey Alf, I was wondering…in Munch’s Oddysee when U rescue the Fuzzles do they follow you the rest of the game, or do they leave after a while?

Alf:  Munch considered the viability of a legion of the little critters at his beck and call ’till we had him watch that Star Trek episode about Tribbles. Since then he’s been pretty keen on just getting them free from their cages, into a rescue portal, and out of his sight.

Q:   Do Gabbits not have a Queen cuz most others do and if they don’t are they asexual?

Alf:  Munch don’t know, and Munch don’t wanna know. Think about his situation, after all… if he pulls of this caper and gets that Gabbiar, he’ll have saved his race, sure. But then when all those baby Gabbits start asking ‘Where did we come from?’ he either has to make something up, or else say “Well, a can, actually.” Even if Munch had somebody to ask, I think he’d be afraid to for getting a similar answer.

Q:   Where did you get the name Exoddus from? Did you get it from the Bible because there’s a book in the bible called “Exodus”?

Alf:  I think that Lorne guy read it off of a Successories poster in a mall and thought it sounded cool.

Q:   Hey Alf! Where the heck do you live? I mean, so you live on a drifting continent? What does your planet look like? I would like to know. It’s o.k. if you don’t know.

Alf:  I’m glad you gave me that out there at the end; I was gonna be having major fits of introspection about my self-worth if I got this wrong. At a guess, I’m gonna say it looks round and bumpy. With, you know, bits of blue, brown, and green spots, like an overripe Spooce Shrub or something. Fact is, I don’t know. You gotta get pretty far away from a planet to be able to tell what it looks like. Munch might’ve gotten a good look when he plummeted out of the Lab, but I think he was a bit distracted by shrieking “I’M GONNA DIEEEE!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs at the time.

Q:   What is the Brewmaster Glukkon’s real name? I refuse to believe that his name actually is “Brewmaster”.

Alf:   Hey, he’s one of the lucky ones. Just imagine how Gas Station Attendant Glukkon feels… he can’t even get his whole name onto a loan application.

Q:   On Munch’s Oddysee, a creature’s appearance changes depending on status or health, right? In this magazine article I saw a “Slig Health chart” that showed increasing amounts of injury like casts and crutches and stuff. In the same article there was also a “Slig Status Chart” where a slig was shown with increasing amounts of armor and firepower. Also, the article quoted Lorne Lanning talking about socially contorted GameSpeak, where a mid-status creature would speak insultingly to his inferiors, normally to his equals, and subserviently to his superiors. Did all this awesome stuff make it into the game?!

Alf:   Hey yeah, I saw some of those sligs walkin’ around in wierd-lookin’ suits of platemail… I thought they were having a Ren Fest or something. Don’t count on seeing any slig in a cast, though. A slig in a cast is a slig on sick leave, and a slig on sick leave is a liability that his boss would just as soon recycle as let heal.

And if you want socially contorted gamespeak, step on down to my little rehab center sometime. Where the tea flows like brew, the brew don’t flow at all, and the conversation’ll make a sailor blush.

Q:   When characters are damaged in Munch’s Oddysee, will they show signs of injury? For instance, say Abe wandered where he shouldn’t again and was shot. Even if he’s only holding onto life by a thread, will he still be able to run and jump at his maximum potential, or will he be forced to hobble around at a horrendously reduced speed? Just wondering.

Alf:   That’s one of the things that didn’t make the cut for this game. Look for some kind of visible damage in Munch 2. We have really cool concept art on one or our conference room walls. Right now, the thinking in the designers’ dungeon is that slowing down abe or munch when they hurt isn’t much fun, but they’ve changed their minds before…

Q:   Helloooooooo! Were there any sligs who were friends with you and Abe?

Alf:   Once there was a slig named Wildum who was kind of a nice guy to me and Abe. He didn’t beat us, and he’d even let us have a drink, if we brought him one, too. The other sligs found out, and they beat him to death with his own arms. It was horrible.

Q:   I was wondering if the Big Brother Sligs crawl around on their hands like other sligs do?

Alf:   I dunno but back by popular demand is Crig the Slig to answer all those Slig related questions. Crig is a freelance writer for the Daily Deception.

Crig:   Well, once they finish their hormone treatments (to make them all big and musclebound) they can’t actually get out of their big pants any more, so they don’t take them off at night or for repair like a regular Slig. But if you can wreck the pants, I’m sure they’ll crawl like anyone else — right over to you and squish your head like a grape.

Q:   Will we ever see a Slig without a mask?

Crig:   Pray you don’t. Your eyes will melt in their sockets and your brain will explode. We are UGLY. Uglier than your kid sister. Uglier than … words fail me. Even we don’t like to look at us; that’s how ugly we are.

Q:   How smart are Sligs in comparision to Glukkons, Interns and Vykkers?

Crig:   Well, we think we’re the smartest, cause we get to shoot the guns and bombs. Glukkons think they’re smart, cause they get most of the Moolah and the good cigars. Vykkers think they’re smart, cause they know lots of stuff (like how to cut someone open so it hurts the most; you know, useful stuff). And Interns, … not even Interns think Interns are smart.