Dear Alf #10

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions

Q:  Do the Scrabs in the Mudanchee vault try to eat you because they’ve been in there for years, do all the Scrabs eat you guys, or is Abe either at the bottom of the food chain or just so darn tasty?

Alf:  Hmph, now that’s an interesting thought. I wonder what we do taste like. I mean, Molluck’s entire corporation went to the mat tryin’ to make ol’ Abe into an entree, and them Scrabs’ll punch a hole through a landwhale if they think there’s one of us on the other side… Tell ya what, I’ll take up biting my fingernails, and let you know my findings.

Q:   Hey dude, I wanted to ask you a question. Is there any Mudokon women out there in Oddworld? How the heck do these creatures reproduce, man? Do you know any other Oddworld fans who have an AOL screen name?

Alf:  If you haven’t seen any of Oddworld’s women yet, you must not be looking! And good for you at that… Odd knows ever since I caught a glimpse of ’em, I’ve tried mighty hard not to look. …yech. *shivers* And if you’re having trouble finding other Oddworld fans, try throwing a brick. Or swinging a cat. The little buggers are all over the place; they must be, what with the number of letters I gotta answer… razza-frazzin’ no good…

Q:  Why does Abe loose his tattoos between Abe’s Oddysee and Abe’s Exoddus?

Alf:  Last time I was playing jacks with Abe, he still had them tattoos on his hands… and a darn good thing. He’d never have made it outta the brewery if he hadn’t been able to call up the power of the Shrykull once or twice when he got into a pinch. Next thing you know the little punk will spike his hair or get his lips pierced. Uh. Again, that is. You know what I mean. Eh, next question.

Q:   Is it true that you will be able to load up your Mudokon friends with blitzpackers, snuzis, and tomahawks and send them on rampages through factories. Or are these special power-ups for sligs and other creatures only? And When you posses a slig can you go to a vending machine and get power ups like the super bounce and other armnants. PLEASE REPLY!

Alf:  Don’t you get snippy with me there, youngster! Remember, I’m a recovering substance abuser, I could snap at any moment!! It’s little ragamuffins like you that’re driving this whole oddworld into the- huh? My editor is gesturing frantically at me… Right, right, sorry, I do believe it’s time for my medicine. *gulp gulp gulp* Whoo, that herbal chamomile stuff sure hits the spot. Okay… right… count to ten… Okay.

If you gave one of these Mudokon chumps around here a Blitzpacker or a Snuzi, he’d probably use it for a fencepost, or a headdress ornament, or a garden hoe. We’re just not that sharp with technology. Conversely, give a slig one of our tomahawks and he’d probably be squished under it’s weight. You seen the skinny little sissy arms them fellas have? As for vending machines, well, sure, maybe you could buy an instrument of mass destruction or two, but then if I had Moolah to burn and vending machines about, I’d buy the sauce. I mean, that’s what those machines are best for, getting blotto right quick- Huh? What? Right, sorry, more medicine… *gulp gulp gulp* ahhhhhh…

Q:   I can’t believe that you Mudokons are sooo corrupt! All the new movies and trailers are all supported by Microsoft/Windows media programs! What happened to all the QuickTime goodness!? Did Bill Gates hand u some Moolah under the table? Or did he hand it to the Glukkons and they screwed everything up?!

Alf:  Uh oh… Uh… Yeah, that second one you said. The one about the Glukkons? Yeah. They’re responsible for it, they always are! Those Glukkon creeps! We’re innocent, we were just following orders! We did NOT have monetary relations with that man!

Q:   I was wondering. Since there is a queen for each of the races on Oddworld. Is there a slog queen?

Alf:  There must be. I bet the Glukkons have her stashed somewhere where they can make obscene profits off her babies. That’s so like them

Q:   What’s your take on linear games vs. non-linear games. Do you think it’s possible to have a non-linear game with a solid story? Which type of game will Munch be?

Alf:   There’s a place for linear and non-linear play in any kind of game. Munch’s Oddysee does have an overall direction, but within each ‘level’ the play is wide open. We found that that gave us the kind of freedom for the players and let us keep the story on track. You can have story in a non-linear game, but we found that the story either didn’t follow the in-game action, or we didn’t always get the story we wanted to tell. We kept the broad structure of Munch linear so we could tell exactly the story we wanted and get the emotional impact we were looking for.

Q:   I’ve always wondered why Mudokon’s mouths are ‘sewn’ together. If the Glukkons wanted them to shut up, it didn’t work very well. They should’ve stapled them. 🙂 Why does Abe have stitched lips?

Alf:  Well, they worked pretty well at first, but Glukkons aren’t much for long-term thinking or quality control. With the headlock they have on management on Oddworld, they don’t really have to be. So, after a while, the stitches get loose, and Abe and the other workers can talk again, some.

Q:   Hey Alf, why is there a crater on the Oddworld moon that is the shape of a Mudokon hand? 

Alf:  I dunno. I always wonder why my hand looks like that shape on the moon. Maybe someday we’ll find out.

Q:   Do the organisms of Oddworld have common names and scientific names? If so what are they?

Alf:  Only the Vykkers would know that, and I’m not getting close enuf to them to ask.

Q:   Hey, I was wondering if you could give me some information on the Almighty Raisin?

Alf:  The Raisin has four eyes and they glow a bright yellow. He is quite large so he can only move very slowly and has labored breathing. His skin is like the bark of a tree mixed with a raisin and it’s purplish brown. He is wise and all knowing but often tires and falls asleep in mid sentence. He is the guide for Abe and Munch through the game and tells them what they have to find and do to achieve their different goals.

Q:   What do the Mudokons eat? They all seem to have a slight gas problem. Is it just something they do to pass time? Or do they agree with me about Madonna?

Alf:  It’s not the eats that do it to us, it’s the drink, the Brew, the juice, the sauce, the hair-o-the-slog-that-ripped-your-leg-off-so-now-everybody-gave-you-the-nickname-‘Pogo-Boy’. That Brew will get you tooting like a souzaphone, but if you’re drinking that sweet, sweet- er, horrible, nasty, addictive stuff, then passing time or gas was the least of your worries.

Q:   Listen is there some way to get the music of the game from somewhere cuz its so cool? I love hearing that music but I don’t know from where to download it.

Alf:  You’re a person of discerning taste, you are. None of the new-fangled be-bop for you, just the pure, motivational stylings of the RuptureFarms PA system, eh? Well, after a quick glance on the Alfabetizer (my state of the art super-computer… it’s kind of like that big evil MCP computer in ‘TRON’, but without the lasers or diabolical sentience… I use it most of the time to play Minesweeper), I couldn’t find much of anything in the way of stylish Oddworld tunes, either. Come down to the rehab center sometime with a tape recorder and we’ll all hum a few bars for ya to tide you over.

Q:   I know you probably are going to tell me that you can’t legally tell me but I want to know how I can change some of the sounds in Oddworld: Abe’s Exoddus specifically the background noise so I can shove some teen music in there (Oddworld has a great soundtrack please don’t be offended!)

Alf:  I would never tell you something like that! What I will tell you is to lose that teeny-bopper crap yer listening to. Land sakes, the things that pass for music these days woulda caused folks in my day to hold their nose just in case a foul smell was short in coming… Get yerself some Grass Roots, or The Platters… you know, they did that one that went “Smoke… Gets… In… Your….. EEEEEEEYYYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSS-HACK ACK *cough cough wheeze*”… eh… whoo… and so forth. Then we’ll talk.

Q:   Do Glukkons like to be tickled behind their ears? I’ve been toying with this notion for quite a while now.

Alf:  Would you say that the majority of the notions that you toy with are of a similar subject matter and caliber as this one? If so, well, whatever mows your lawn, I guess, though you might want to consider therapy… me personally, I wouldn’t know; I wouldn’t touch a Glukkon’s skin with a hunnerd’n eighty foot I-beam even while schnockered.

Q:   Best Alf: Odd Munck wen it going to bi rilist in Belgie? Plz enser alf plz!

Alf:  Maak je geen zorgen, Munch komt naar Nederland in 2002. Groetjes, Alf.